untitled ponderings

Too damn persistent.
I'd like to say determined
but obsessed
or dogged
or obstinate
might suit, too
Drat

I can't let go
wondering about adoption again
The idea makes me exhausted
I think paperwork
and bureaucracy
and indeterminate waiting
with no sure outcome

And I cringe

I think about baby-proofing
doing cruddy patrol
changing diapers in the middle of the night

And I just feel exhausted
Been there
Done that


I think baby smiles and coos
baby feet
questions from the back seat
warm heavy sleepers on my shoulder


I am a good mother
A really good mother
Mothering brings me a lot of joy


If a child
an orphan wandered into
our lives
our home
in another system
another time and place
we would take them in
without a doubt
and we would fall in love with them
and care for them
and raise them as our own

If presented with a need
and a responsibility
we would rise

Presented with bureaucracy
and forms
and $20,000 in fees
wait of indeterminate length
it becomes
stress and hoops

God,
Grant me the grace to let go
and hold on
each in their season

I am a very, very good mom
And mothering brings me joy

Should I shoot my birthday money on this pre-application fee?
Crap

When I said I wanted to reinvent myself
I had no idea how quickly and thoroughly
God would upend my entire life

Strong and satisfied
enough for joy

What does that mean?
Does it mean shoot my birthday money on an application
for adoption
while paying $2000+ for inspections
on a house
when the bank hasn't accepted our offer?
How many crazy risks is it possible to take
at one time and not be crazy?