I am considering closing the baby franchise by asking Tim to get a vasectomy. I am considering adoption- domestic, infant, twins.
Raising kids is my forte; gestating and bearing them is not.
Kindness is my first principle. Kindness to myself in this case.
There. I wrote it. Said it in the hoop house. I'll try that on for a couple days. And see what comes of it.
*****
Somehow I don't feel terrified, even knowing the stories of Tim's siblings and Irina. Choosing to accentuate my strengths feels good.
No pregnancy. No labor. No hormones. No breastfeeding. No doctors. No cervix. No pictocin.
Starting fresh and rested with a newborn, even two. Bottle feeding. Emotional work. Loss and grief.
Seems like cheating almost.
Granted it wouldn't be more of Tim and me in the world. Having more Tim in the world- thinking that always chokes me up. And thinking about no more Tim in the world makes me sad. So biologically speaking, not more of us. That would be a bummer.
I think I could get over it for the love and joy of parenting again with him, though.
Child bearing is a great trick, one of my best tricks really, and I would feel sad to never perform that trick again.
On the other hand, unbridled sex. Unlimited sex, in my prime, an experienced lover with no worries about procreation. Yeah, I think I could get over being less tricky. Or turning more tricks, depending on how you look at that.
Never having to wonder if I would be able to successfully breastfeed. Never pondering how I would handle labor ever again. Never facing that bottomless terror again.
Yeah, I could live with that. Kindly, even.
And not having more kids at all, I could live with that, too. I'd do some grieving and I'd feel sad, but I could live kindly with that, too.
I want to mention this to Tim but he doesn't talk tentative rough drafts often and I think I should sleep on it a couple nights, give it some time to settle before I broach it.
After all the years and all the wishing and wanting and stressing out just thinking about it and turning the pieces over and over to get them to fit and trying and planning and straining-
just laying it down feels glorious.
Like when I didn't get that fabulous middle school ESL job with great co-teachers and I felt relieved. Giddy and relieved. That moment ended my K-12 teaching career and began my path of adult ed.
Like when I told Tim that the only house I woke up thinking about was the dome even though it was too far in the wrong direction, too little of the wrong kind of land- still, that was the house I imagined waking up in. And then Tim said he wanted me to be happy and we checked it out, zeroed in on permaculture, and now have a bid in. Extravagantly beautiful house. Soulful land. Low effort farming. It's good to be me.
Listen to my self. Respecting limits and passions is kindness.
I will not always get what I want.
But I can always choose to listen to myself and respect my wishes.
I can say what I want even while letting it go.
I will ask and I will try even if the answer is no.
I will honor my wantings, my longings.
This has been long- a 10 1/2 year long.
That is long enough.
I have love for 4 children in my heart.
And perhaps I will die unrequited.
But perhaps not.
I will surely not die untried.
Childbearing is done.
And perhaps child raising is, too.
Closing a franchise
Opening to kindness
*****
Ok, I thought of another thing.
I've spent my whole life picking up after other people's messes.
Grampa Eldridge. Group home and foster kids. Etc, etc, etc.
So, how is it going to be if I spend the rest of my life
addressing messes made before I met my kids?
Yeah, that's going to be a tough one.
There's not going to be much of an upside with that one.
I really, really hate cleaning up other people's dysfunctional catastrophes.
I'm not sure if the adverb I want here is unfortunately or fortunately but
I've gotten very good at healing through consequences of evil.
Maybe unfortunately
Maybe fortunately
because I do appreciate how long and pervasive it is
and because I also believe in my bones that no matter how long and painful
it is in coming
there is healing for all the repercussions of evil
I feel giddy at letting go of the struggle
And sad a little
Disappointed
And yet ready to trade off
*****
And for the record, what about the money?
Adoption is pricey.
And we've been broke a long time.
So God, if this is your idea
how about if you make the money available.
And then there's Tim's lack of interest
possibly even opposition
I'm ok if it doesn't materialize
but if it's going to
hearts will need to change
and money flow
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