Tim and I have talked about the process of deciding whether to adopt or not. He's not interested, at all. I'm theoretically interested but practically, the thought of all that bureaucracy makes me cranky. I think having a permanent birth control solution in place will help me gain clarity. I told Tim that I can see moving to "no" if we can't agree within 18 months or if I wake up one morning knowing I'm done trying. He said he could move to "yes" if his mind were changed.
The whole conversation came from a different posture, a different tone than any impasse we've had before.
I feel frustrated that here we are once again with me wanting something and Tim saying no.
I also feel angry that when he says that God gave him a vision about loving Marci and swimming through a lake of lava- I say yes and to the best of my ability support him for more than a decade. And when the time comes to reciprocate, he says, "Not interested."
Planning to take that up with my counselor.
Being in the hands of a wild God is fearful.
And yet, I also feel encouraged that we could have such a different conversation while having the same conversation. Mutual respect. Calm. Boundaried. No anger. No persuading. Not a whiff of meanness. Only calm and kind and clear.
Such a strange place- the same. And yet, entirely different.
I feel like I haven't changed at all.
And I feel that I've changed a great deal.
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