Childbearing- done and delighted

I slept on it and woke up early and happy.  I can feel the power of kindness to myself flowing over my body and soul.  Aaahhh.

God told me to get up, go downstairs, and sit on the floor where I had sat 11 years ago and had received visions of suffering and difficulty and had accepted.  I've always been God's woman.  From the beginning, from beauty and goodness and wonder and love- I've always been God's.  If God has put love in my heart for two more children, whether requited or disappointed, I will try.

I asked God about the money and God said to take the gratitude money we set aside from the $200,000 Tim's parents gifted us and give ourselves to the kids.  God also said that the twins are coming.

I asked for mercy.  Last time I sat there, saw visions and said yes, I got slammed by pain for a decade and I don't want Him to take advantage of my good graces again.  God explained that when I said yes, I was not saying yes to the pain- the pain was already in play.  I was saying yes to the joy.

I also stated that I felt crazy for waking up one day ready to adopt after decades of not wanting to and after 10 years of desperately wanting children of my own body.  So much self-inflicted pressure.  So much longing.  So little time for a complete change.  Nuts.  Persistently stupid.  I received an image of an arrow nocked, being pulled farther and farther back, pressure building, and then released in the moment of flight.  That's God pulling the bow and I'm His arrow.

Crazy.  Absolutely wild, untamed grace.  I've got faith in that grace- not to get what I want but in getting untamed goodness.

Then God sent me back to bed and I slept.  When I awoke again, I called Tim and talked to him for half an hour while he drove.  He agreed to putting it on the table and to thinking about it.  He loves me so very much.  I told him his happiness and limits are more important to me than more kids.  I love him so very much.

Take God's money and give ourselves to the kids.  What an honor.  I feel like God's special treat.

I'll be God's arrow.

I'll try.

And if the kids are on the way, God, bless them and their family in the loss and gain, endings and beginnings, grief and boons- the whole shebang.

And if my heart is to be broken- sing of the honor in following my heart and the passion of my love for You and the beauty of my faith in crazy grace and the glory of being me.

I like me.
It is good to be me.
It is beautiful and glorious to me
After everything and everything
I am glorious