Trembling

I'm trembling, vibrating with this shrill panicky vibe.  I really don't like it.  Second day in a row I've woken up with it.
I've been crying frequently, swamped by big waves of sadness and grief, feeling that I will never be well, that the pain will never stop.  So much pain for so long.
In specific, my big left toe under the old surgery site is pulsing occasionally.  Is the cyst re-growing again like it did before?
I'm frightened and shaking.
I canceled my appointment to get the mold made for my partial denture yesterday and called Kay Allen to schedule EMDR for next week.  The mold is not urgent and can wait until I feel calmer.
I told myself this morning that I will weep some and feel the fear some but that I will wait until I am not alone to feel the big stuff, that deep awareness of never-ending pain and suffering.  I do not need to go there alone.  I can go there with Ginger and Shannon and Kay in the next 10 days.  I can get more help from Joe and others if I need more.
I can shake and weep but I don't need to go to the worst places alone.  This is not denial, this is respect- respect for the depth of my pain and fear and respect for myself. 
I called Uptown Dermatology at 7:00 am and after getting the voicemail, checked and found out that they open at 7:30.  I've got 10 minutes until I call back to ask to get a CT scan on my foot.  I can know and I want to know, definitively, if the cyst is coming back.  If it is, I will take swift, decisive action and not wait for the second surgery to heal and the pain to build until I cannot tolerate it anymore.  Nope, not doing it again.  I will find out and I will take swift, decisive action.
While they're at it, I think I'd like a CT on my other foot as well, the right Achilles tendon area gets inflamed and painful and I'd like to know definitively why.
I am realizing how much of my pain and discomfort is related to inflammation.  I had a headache last night, took two Advil, and was amazed by how much less pain I felt after yoga.  Even this morning, I am much less achy.  I need to talk with Ginger about the underlying causes of my inflammation and what I can do about it now.  I'm much less inflamed these days- from gums to heel, I am less swollen and painful.
My head.  My poor aching head.  My surgery site was doing so much better there for a while.  I took the Cyruta anti-inflammatory pills out of my purse because I hadn't needed them in two weeks.  And then, since I last saw Ginger, the pain has generalized from the surgery site to various radiating spots- my eye socket, my jaw, my occiput, various spots above other teeth- like a spider web of tension.  When I consciously relax, I can ease the tension.  Lying down with my glasses off helps, too, as does laying on my back pillow, stretching my neck, and resting my head on the tennis balls in a sock.
Well, it's after 7:30 and I should wrap this up.

God, I am trembling with fear.
Please bless all those who are sick and in pain today.  I'm not sure what to ask for but give them all wonderful.  Give those of us who suffer and who are afraid courage and hope and help.
Tim was anxious last night, too.  Can You do something about that?
Make me an instrument of your peace.  In my life first.
Amen