No patience

I'm tired of people's impatience with my fear.  My sister and my neighbor have both triggered me this week. 

"They (the bears) show up at our place early June every year. Dewey and Glenda have been seeing them earlier this spring.

Life in the woods I guess."

The Spohns

 

Emily:

Hi Amy,

Just touching base about the note/check you sent in April.  It was confusing to me, but I took it as a sign of you reaching out to me & I appreciate that.  That financial situation was taken care of a long time ago.  I’ll look forward to addressing the issues in our relationship when you are ready to talk.

Emily

 Amy:

Such good timing.  A thought struck me out of the blue yesterday and I was going to email you today.

It just occurred to me that our declining the invitation to Mahalia's b-day party in Mpls last Christmastime and our invitation to have her come here might have come across as insulting or spurning an offer of reaching out rather than a combo of incompatible timing and desire for alternate activity.  I hadn't thought of it at the time and when I did yesterday, I thought, "Well, duh!" 

I appreciate that you were able to see through the confusion of the check and note to the reaching out behind it. 

Also, I wanted to thank you again for the email about your concerns for Mark.  I appreciate your integrity in that difficult situation.

From your perspective, what would 'being ready to talk' look like? 

I've started like 5 sentences here and then deleted them.  Let me try again. 

I see you reaching out.  I see myself reaching out. 
I wonder- what's next?  Are we ready to talk?  And if we did, what kind of conversation would we have?  Do we need to start small and build?  Or do we need to address all the issues first?  Do I have what it will take to resolve these issues or will I need to mature more before I have the skills?  Would we be wise to talk with the help of a mediator or counselor of some kind? 

Do you have insight?

Amy 

Emily:

Thanks Ames.

 

Here are my insights....

 

We care about each other.  We've been hurt.  Relationship involves risk. 

 

It sounds like you'd like me to assure you that all will go exactly the way you'd like it to go so you can feel safe.  In my experience, feeling safe is an internal assurance of yourself & your own ability to handle what comes at you.  I can't do that for you.  You have to BE safe inside yourself.

 

I know you aren't trying to hurt me, but I am hurt by your extreme distrust - especially after the relationship that we had two years ago.  I am sad that your fear has kept us apart all of this time.

 

I won't spell it all out.  I don't want to involve another person.  I want to come together as two grown women who've lived a lot of life, been hurt a lot & can move forward, knowing that pain is always just a moment away, but choose to really live anyway.

 

Emily

Amy:

You summed up the care-hurt-risk thing well.  All true.

I think you're on to something about internal assurance of myself and my own ability to handle what comes at me.  This is one of the big challenges I've been discussing in counseling and working on personally.  I have a list of safety goals on my fridge and am focusing the next couple weeks on trying to keep my arousal level balanced so I don't feel overwhelmed/anxious or exhausted.  Tough road, though.  I've had some recent set backs and fear is a relentless nemesis. 

I appreciate your honesty about feeling hurt.  I hear that you are ready to forge ahead and are feeling bold in the face of unavoidable risk.   
I am not bold, however, and so I wonder, could you continue to channel your robust courage into patience on my behalf?  I know you have already been so patient but I'm feeling easily spooked, like a deer without cover.  I think I could try to plow through and force myself to engage but I would rather wait myself out and see what is to be gained in the fullness of time. 

I am scheduled to meet my counselor again in a couple weeks and I will raise these issues and seek guidance as I have repeatedly in the past.
I have not forgotten you and I, too, hope we will be in phase again someday.  I am seeking my path forward; my lack of talking does not indicate a lack of effort or will toward that end.

Blessings,
Amy   

 

Emily:

I hope all the best for you as you battle this fear that has got such a grip on you.  May you experience freedom & a new grace to move forward with peace & confidence.

 

 

I find myself feeling clenched and anxious and agitated after reading these.  My stomach churns, my head gets poundy and hot, I tremble.  

I feel so angry that my fear is disrespected.  I feel blamed.  I feel that my feelings are inconvenient for others and that they'd like it if I got on with 'really living' instead.  

I try to be understanding.  I do my best to respect other people's process and what do I get in return?  My feelings, my needs are inconvenient and should be otherwise.

I choose not to be the kind of person who blames another for disagreeing or having inconvenient opinions or experiences.

And yet, they keep blaming me back.

This makes me mad.

God, how am I going to find my way out of this?

Clarity

Update 4/2/13- Didn't wind up sending it and I'm glad.  I did just send Em $80 toward our half of Antonio's babysitting contract from summer 2011.  Glad.

1/3/13 Just composed this email.  Haven't sent it yet.  

Em,
I just this morning got clarity.

First, I want to apologize to you, Dan, and Mahalia for all the suffering my un-boundaried decisions and my inability to live well with others has caused you.  I invited you to come and take shelter in my home without the personal resources to provide you a genuine welcome.  I over-committed myself and I regret that I attempted to have anyone live in my home after all previous attempts had failed in my 20's and 30's.  I knew my history and my hesitations and foolishly did not accord them the weight that they merited.  My decisions over the years to not respect my limits have cost many people much pain and I am truly sorry. 

There is no possible way that I can undo even a fraction of the consequences which disproportionately fell on you all, yet I would like to make what amends are within my reach. 

For starters, I will send an email making a public apology and take responsibility for what I have seen today to be my pattern of over-reaching my limits, specifically shown in my failed attempts to live with others.  This situation did not occur in a vacuum and neither should my attempt to make right what I can.  I will include anyone you feel should receive a copy along with everyone I need to send it to.

In addition, I will rescind all current open invitations, whether formal or implied, for people to live with me, including all relatives and godchildren, with an explanation of my failures and my new, much stricter limits.  I will also refrain from issuing new such invitations indefinitely, perhaps permanently.  Hopefully this will prevent future harm.

Next, I am willing to listen to your story for as long as you wish to speak of it.  No amount of listening can un-ring the bell which my actions have rung, but I nonetheless would appreciate a real look at the consequences of my un-boundaried actions through your eyes.  I hope to impress upon myself the real cost of my actions to those I care about so that I might make better, saner choices in the future.  If you should choose not to share your story with me, I would regret that and yet I feel that that, too, would be a natural consequence of my poor choices.

Additionally, though I cannot truly repay all of you for the harm I have caused, I would like to offer what I do have as a token of my sincerity.  I have saved $400 from my Community Ed teaching job to buy goats and chickens this spring, but instead, I would like to offer it to God and give it to you as a sign of my repentance.  Far too long has my dysfunction harmed people and it's time to look those consequences straight in the eye so I can change.  The check is in today's mail.  Although only a fraction of the real damages, I hope that you will accept this offering of repentance and let me make the amends I can.  If you feel you can't accept it because of the pain I have caused you, I ask that you sign it "pay to the order of" the charity of your choice.

Surely, none of these will truly heal the wrong I have done you nor the wrongs I have done to others.  And yet, I hope that by receiving my correction and laying my failures and limitations out for my family and friends I will make different life choices going forward.

Finally, I regret that my delay in insight has cost you many additional months of hardship.  I've been asking God to reveal what I need to see and today I saw.

Please send me the email of anyone you would like to receive my public apology and if you choose to tell me your story, include a couple of convenient times.

I know we shall not be the friends we once were yet I do hope that you and I will find peace in 2013.

Sincerely,
Amy



Ok, so here's the bizarre thing- I feel liberated.  Clear-headed.  Peaceful.  I have been unboundaried and I've been miserable in it.  I'm rather glorying in a good humbling.

This gift of clarity this morning resolves 3 sticky relationship issues I've been having- Sheila, my parents, and Emily.  Emily, see above.  My parents- I've been panicked that they would be in life-and-death straits and that their only chance for survival would be moving in with me so I was trying to maneuver them into moving here sooner so that I wouldn't get trapped later.  With Sheila, it's Irina, well, actually being custodial guardian for either Kate or Irina that's been the rock in my shoe.  I see now that by untying the one problem, I may have untangled all 3.  I can make a public apology to Emily, state my inability to successfully live with others, ask people to make alternate plans, and assure them of my fondness all in one email.  

I have spent years- yea, decades- blowing past my boundaries in living with others.  And oddly like Grampa White and his chocolate shakes, I actually craved the living together solution which never worked.  How terribly human and dysfunctional that is.  Drank himself into a chocolate stupor coma and I'm inviting my own demise.  And the more desperate I became, the less success I had and the more desperately I wanted people to come near.  Dang- that's wicked.

Ok, so I need to let Sheila know that I love her kids, absolutely want to remain their godmother, and can't commit to be their guardian.

And with my parents and all relatives, I need to rescind all offers and state clearly that I do not live well with others.  So, don't count on me for housing.  I will do other things cheerfully and hopefully somewhat more successfully than living together.

I realize now that Tim has been scaring the heebie-jeebies out of me this year with all this talk of The End of the World As We Know It.  Holy smoke- I've been in chronic anxiety mode all year.  Yikes!  So he and I talked it out and I said that unless and until there are actions to take like moving to the country or attending gun safety classes, that I don't want to hear an endless stream of concerned talk coming from him.  Good news, relaxation, fun times together, and positive action- that's what's going to bring me down from Red Alert.  If he can't ask his parents for financial help because it isn't proper- well, then, we can't be in too deep yet.  If he's still worried about impropriety, well, then, I can buy underwear and give my Comm Ed money away as an offering and wait a year to buy chickens.

Also, I thought today that I still really, really want to have more children.  I've suspended talking about it until I'm in the 220#s since that's my upper limit for weight during another pregnancy.  I'm within 15ish pounds of that goal now.  I told Tim this summer I wanted him to get a vasectomy if we were not going to have more kids so at least I could have unfettered sex.  He didn't follow through.  So now, I'm going to tell him that if he's still hesitant to get a vasectomy, that tells me he hasn't truly made up his mind thoroughly and firmly and that if he wants the conversations to end, he should get 'em tied and that'll end it for me.

I am accepting disappointments.  I saw Dr Morrow that pain specialist at the U of M and she took my medical/dental history for an hour.  She said "No wonder you freaked out when your jaw hurt!"  And, "Most doctors only like cases they can solve and many will blame the patient for the unexplained."  Holy smokes!  I felt heard and when I got back to my van, I sat and sobbed my heart out for several minutes, then took a deep breath, and drove on.  

Then I spoke with Nancy Schauff about my Behavior Czar experiences with Angel and finally settled that I'm going to recommend that we do not accept his registration for spring.  Our talk was long and winding but I was able to accept my limits there.

There's been this big drama with Mahalia and Mark and bathtubs and privacy parts and legos and Tim and rape and ... did I mention drama?  Well, Tim and I were talking this morning about good intentions and consequences and protecting ourselves from the people who claim to love us.  I laid back down and starting following a trail of thought about Emily sniffing out the truth and how as Megan said eating 1 piece of chocolate is good but eating 5 will make you sick.  And then like an optical illusion morphing before my eyes, I could see how my excesses, my decisions not respecting my limits were causing harm to Emily.  My drives have been for people to be close.  My abilities failed in living together or sometimes even close.  Repeatedly- think Laura F and Kitty S and Jen M and the Hodges and my parents.  And now, again, I've been feeling desperate and frantic and been trying to rope people in here.  Yikes!  

Life and Death.
The End of The World As We Know It.
It all comes down to me.

Oh, man.  I'm living in some awful, self-induced  B-movie about the end of the world and how it's all come down to me.
And yeah, I can see why and how.
But in the end, is being the Zombie Apocalypse hero satisfying?
happy?
peaceful?

Or merely fraught and dramatic and Overly Filled With Capital Letters?
Yeah, I think dysfunction used to be more fascinating.
Or maybe I was just fascinated and it was always this boring and laughable.
Seriously, people.

Toss the script and turn off the cameras.
Unplug the lights.
Strike the set.
It's a wrap.

No more drama.  
It's just not that interesting.
And I'm not interested in it anymore.

I'm just Amy.
No zombies.  No apocalypse. 
No more even flirting with the idea that
People Need Me to Open My Home Despite All Previous Attempts Ending In Failure  

There may come a time when my life and the lives of my children 
ride on my chickens
But today is not that day

My anxiety blew me out of my ruts 
and landed me here
Well, to be fair
maybe my anxiety didn't really do much of anything positive
Maybe I did

Maybe my boredom and frustration
and curiosity and good sense
lead me here
Maybe that's plausible
Maybe my anxiety is like the twig the elephant is tied to
I could walk away but I never even try

Has my fear been that good a friend to me?
Did my fear save my life?
Maybe adrenaline rush helped some in the clinch.
And maybe I've just gotten used to it.
Maybe it's become just like gravity
so much a part of every moment,
I don't even question it

Maybe I could live with disappointment
a lot better can I can live with anxiety

Maybe there never was anything I could do but fret
so I did the only thing I could do
I felt responsible for other people's survival and 
worried that I wasn't up to it and 
trapped between my love and
my happiness and
my survival

Shit

That's a really, really bad place
Hell 

I couldn't stop loving
I couldn't protect myself
I couldn't save anyone else
I couldn't get away

I could pump adrenaline and 
watch powerlessly and
worry until I couldn't see or breathe or think 
Disappointed
Crushed
Broken hearted
Alone
Scared literally to death

Frenzied fear
Response-unable

Locked in an endless whirl of
illusions of chocolate responsibility 
whipped into my anxiety

Because surely if I couldn't respond
I could at least pretend to the power of responsibility
with my tall glass of anxiety

Surely I couldn't be that powerless
Surely I couldn't be that vulnerable
I couldn't really be at the mercy of cruel caregivers
Could I?
If we just turned up the juice a little higher
revved the engine
threw it into super low
got a running start
surely, then I could stop the howling pain
Yes, yes, that's it
I just haven't tried hard enough
If we climb up out of the trench and
get mown down one more time then
then we'll be victorious.

Lying here
Dying here
Surely
that cannot be
our only option

Oh, Sweet One
how you have broken yourself 
upon this
for all time

The answer to overwhelming
killing
brutalizing
evil
is not

There is not an answer 
you can give

God himself died
on that 

No one holds you to success
against it
except you
yourself

God died
broken on evil
asking why he was forsaken

You exerting more power 
is not the answer here
You pushing your boundaries ever wider 
is not
You pumping more adrenaline to let you ram through
is not
There is no ramming through 
the death evil pushes down

There is only dying

Too quickly you race to amend that
to add another clause

Type it until you can stand it

There is no escaping
There is only dying
There is no over-powering
There is only dying
There is no freaking out until
you blast out of evil
There is only dying

There is only dying
There is only dying
There is only dying
There is only dying

and resurrecting

The only way out of evil is through death
Even for God
Even for God

Even for God, the only way out of evil
is through death

This is not your failure alone
This is not your particular responsibility
You will break and 
break and
break yourself on this
until all you see is the endless
sacrifice the endless
self-flagellation the endless
rigid misery the endless


Devotion to fear won't answer it
Power in expanding culpability won't
Standing next to your stake won't
Wishing with all your heart for
things you can never have won't
Persistant unhappiness won't


Say yes to Jesus and
live an abundant life of joy
Live happily in your own life
Don't strain so hard
Really
Don't try so agonizingly

Be happy
Live your life deeply
It's enough

You were sung into existence
and you will not stop being sung
Your song will not be forgotten

Relax
Don't live so hard
Misery is not a virtue

I know, I know
that's the prevailing wind blowing
but I never wanted you miserable

I re-lifed through misery
not into it

I'm lost, God
I don't know how to find myself and 
my true boundaries and
limits
I can't think them or
reliably feel them
I'm adrift here

I can't see the stars and 
I don't know my way home

I will sit out in the night and
look for the stars and
a way home

Amen
 

Trembling

I'm trembling, vibrating with this shrill panicky vibe.  I really don't like it.  Second day in a row I've woken up with it.
I've been crying frequently, swamped by big waves of sadness and grief, feeling that I will never be well, that the pain will never stop.  So much pain for so long.
In specific, my big left toe under the old surgery site is pulsing occasionally.  Is the cyst re-growing again like it did before?
I'm frightened and shaking.
I canceled my appointment to get the mold made for my partial denture yesterday and called Kay Allen to schedule EMDR for next week.  The mold is not urgent and can wait until I feel calmer.
I told myself this morning that I will weep some and feel the fear some but that I will wait until I am not alone to feel the big stuff, that deep awareness of never-ending pain and suffering.  I do not need to go there alone.  I can go there with Ginger and Shannon and Kay in the next 10 days.  I can get more help from Joe and others if I need more.
I can shake and weep but I don't need to go to the worst places alone.  This is not denial, this is respect- respect for the depth of my pain and fear and respect for myself. 
I called Uptown Dermatology at 7:00 am and after getting the voicemail, checked and found out that they open at 7:30.  I've got 10 minutes until I call back to ask to get a CT scan on my foot.  I can know and I want to know, definitively, if the cyst is coming back.  If it is, I will take swift, decisive action and not wait for the second surgery to heal and the pain to build until I cannot tolerate it anymore.  Nope, not doing it again.  I will find out and I will take swift, decisive action.
While they're at it, I think I'd like a CT on my other foot as well, the right Achilles tendon area gets inflamed and painful and I'd like to know definitively why.
I am realizing how much of my pain and discomfort is related to inflammation.  I had a headache last night, took two Advil, and was amazed by how much less pain I felt after yoga.  Even this morning, I am much less achy.  I need to talk with Ginger about the underlying causes of my inflammation and what I can do about it now.  I'm much less inflamed these days- from gums to heel, I am less swollen and painful.
My head.  My poor aching head.  My surgery site was doing so much better there for a while.  I took the Cyruta anti-inflammatory pills out of my purse because I hadn't needed them in two weeks.  And then, since I last saw Ginger, the pain has generalized from the surgery site to various radiating spots- my eye socket, my jaw, my occiput, various spots above other teeth- like a spider web of tension.  When I consciously relax, I can ease the tension.  Lying down with my glasses off helps, too, as does laying on my back pillow, stretching my neck, and resting my head on the tennis balls in a sock.
Well, it's after 7:30 and I should wrap this up.

God, I am trembling with fear.
Please bless all those who are sick and in pain today.  I'm not sure what to ask for but give them all wonderful.  Give those of us who suffer and who are afraid courage and hope and help.
Tim was anxious last night, too.  Can You do something about that?
Make me an instrument of your peace.  In my life first.
Amen

untitled ponderings

Too damn persistent.
I'd like to say determined
but obsessed
or dogged
or obstinate
might suit, too
Drat

I can't let go
wondering about adoption again
The idea makes me exhausted
I think paperwork
and bureaucracy
and indeterminate waiting
with no sure outcome

And I cringe

I think about baby-proofing
doing cruddy patrol
changing diapers in the middle of the night

And I just feel exhausted
Been there
Done that


I think baby smiles and coos
baby feet
questions from the back seat
warm heavy sleepers on my shoulder


I am a good mother
A really good mother
Mothering brings me a lot of joy


If a child
an orphan wandered into
our lives
our home
in another system
another time and place
we would take them in
without a doubt
and we would fall in love with them
and care for them
and raise them as our own

If presented with a need
and a responsibility
we would rise

Presented with bureaucracy
and forms
and $20,000 in fees
wait of indeterminate length
it becomes
stress and hoops

God,
Grant me the grace to let go
and hold on
each in their season

I am a very, very good mom
And mothering brings me joy

Should I shoot my birthday money on this pre-application fee?
Crap

When I said I wanted to reinvent myself
I had no idea how quickly and thoroughly
God would upend my entire life

Strong and satisfied
enough for joy

What does that mean?
Does it mean shoot my birthday money on an application
for adoption
while paying $2000+ for inspections
on a house
when the bank hasn't accepted our offer?
How many crazy risks is it possible to take
at one time and not be crazy?

Same old, brand new

Tim and I have talked about the process of deciding whether to adopt or not.  He's not interested, at all.  I'm theoretically interested but practically, the thought of all that bureaucracy makes me cranky.  I think having a permanent birth control solution in place will help me gain clarity.  I told Tim that I can see moving to "no" if we can't agree within 18 months or if I wake up one morning knowing I'm done trying.  He said he could move to "yes" if his mind were changed.

The whole conversation came from a different posture, a different tone than any impasse we've had before.  

I feel frustrated that here we are once again with me wanting something and Tim saying no.

I also feel angry that when he says that God gave him a vision about loving Marci and swimming through a lake of lava- I say yes and to the best of my ability support him for more than a decade.  And when the time comes to reciprocate, he says, "Not interested."

Planning to take that up with my counselor.

Being in the hands of a wild God is fearful.

And yet, I also feel encouraged that we could have such a different conversation while having the same conversation.  Mutual respect.  Calm.  Boundaried.  No anger.  No persuading.  Not a whiff of meanness.  Only calm and kind and clear.

Such a strange place- the same.  And yet, entirely different.

I feel like I haven't changed at all.
And I feel that I've changed a great deal.

Childbearing- done and delighted

I slept on it and woke up early and happy.  I can feel the power of kindness to myself flowing over my body and soul.  Aaahhh.

God told me to get up, go downstairs, and sit on the floor where I had sat 11 years ago and had received visions of suffering and difficulty and had accepted.  I've always been God's woman.  From the beginning, from beauty and goodness and wonder and love- I've always been God's.  If God has put love in my heart for two more children, whether requited or disappointed, I will try.

I asked God about the money and God said to take the gratitude money we set aside from the $200,000 Tim's parents gifted us and give ourselves to the kids.  God also said that the twins are coming.

I asked for mercy.  Last time I sat there, saw visions and said yes, I got slammed by pain for a decade and I don't want Him to take advantage of my good graces again.  God explained that when I said yes, I was not saying yes to the pain- the pain was already in play.  I was saying yes to the joy.

I also stated that I felt crazy for waking up one day ready to adopt after decades of not wanting to and after 10 years of desperately wanting children of my own body.  So much self-inflicted pressure.  So much longing.  So little time for a complete change.  Nuts.  Persistently stupid.  I received an image of an arrow nocked, being pulled farther and farther back, pressure building, and then released in the moment of flight.  That's God pulling the bow and I'm His arrow.

Crazy.  Absolutely wild, untamed grace.  I've got faith in that grace- not to get what I want but in getting untamed goodness.

Then God sent me back to bed and I slept.  When I awoke again, I called Tim and talked to him for half an hour while he drove.  He agreed to putting it on the table and to thinking about it.  He loves me so very much.  I told him his happiness and limits are more important to me than more kids.  I love him so very much.

Take God's money and give ourselves to the kids.  What an honor.  I feel like God's special treat.

I'll be God's arrow.

I'll try.

And if the kids are on the way, God, bless them and their family in the loss and gain, endings and beginnings, grief and boons- the whole shebang.

And if my heart is to be broken- sing of the honor in following my heart and the passion of my love for You and the beauty of my faith in crazy grace and the glory of being me.

I like me.
It is good to be me.
It is beautiful and glorious to me
After everything and everything
I am glorious

Closing the franchise and playing to my strengths

I am considering closing the baby franchise by asking Tim to get a vasectomy.  I am considering adoption- domestic, infant, twins.

Raising kids is my forte; gestating and bearing them is not.

Kindness is my first principle.  Kindness to myself in this case.

There.  I wrote it.  Said it in the hoop house.  I'll try that on for a couple days.  And see what comes of it. 
*****
Somehow I don't feel terrified, even knowing the stories of Tim's siblings and Irina.  Choosing to accentuate my strengths feels good.

No pregnancy.  No labor.  No hormones.  No breastfeeding.  No doctors.  No cervix.  No pictocin.

Starting fresh and rested with a newborn, even two.  Bottle feeding.  Emotional work.  Loss and grief.

Seems like cheating almost.

Granted it wouldn't be more of Tim and me in the world.  Having more Tim in the world- thinking that always chokes me up.  And thinking about no more Tim in the world makes me sad.  So biologically speaking, not more of us.  That would be a bummer.

I think I could get over it for the love and joy of parenting again with him, though.

Child bearing is a great trick, one of my best tricks really, and I would feel sad to never perform that trick again.

On the other hand, unbridled sex.  Unlimited sex, in my prime, an experienced lover with no worries about procreation.  Yeah, I think I could get over being less tricky.  Or turning more tricks, depending on how you look at that.

Never having to wonder if I would be able to successfully breastfeed.  Never pondering how I would handle labor ever again.  Never facing that bottomless terror again.

Yeah, I could live with that.  Kindly, even.

And not having more kids at all, I could live with that, too.  I'd do some grieving and I'd feel sad, but I could live kindly with that, too.

I want to mention this to Tim but he doesn't talk tentative rough drafts often and I think I should sleep on it a couple nights, give it some time to settle before I broach it.

After all the years and all the wishing and wanting and stressing out just thinking about it and turning the pieces over and over to get them to fit and trying and planning and straining-
just laying it down feels glorious.

Like when I didn't get that fabulous middle school ESL job with great co-teachers and I felt relieved.  Giddy and relieved.  That moment ended my K-12 teaching career and began my path of adult ed.

Like when I told Tim that the only house I woke up thinking about was the dome even though it was too far in the wrong direction, too little of the wrong kind of land- still, that was the house I imagined waking up in.  And then Tim said he wanted me to be happy and we checked it out, zeroed in on permaculture, and now have a bid in.  Extravagantly beautiful house.  Soulful land.  Low effort farming.  It's good to be me.

Listen to my self.  Respecting limits and passions is kindness.
I will not always get what I want.
But I can always choose to listen to myself and respect my wishes.
I can say what I want even while letting it go.
I will ask and I will try even if the answer is no.
I will honor my wantings, my longings.
This has been long- a 10 1/2 year long.
That is long enough.

I have love for 4 children in my heart.
And perhaps I will die unrequited.
But perhaps not.
I will surely not die untried.

Childbearing is done.
And perhaps child raising is, too.

Closing a franchise
Opening to kindness

*****
Ok, I thought of another thing.
I've spent my whole life picking up after other people's messes.
Grampa Eldridge.  Group home and foster kids.  Etc, etc, etc.

So, how is it going to be if I spend the rest of my life
addressing messes made before I met my kids?

Yeah, that's going to be a tough one.
There's not going to be much of an upside with that one.
I really, really hate cleaning up other people's dysfunctional catastrophes.
I'm not sure if the adverb I want here is unfortunately or fortunately but
I've gotten very good at healing through consequences of evil.

Maybe unfortunately
Maybe fortunately
because I do appreciate how long and pervasive it is
and because I also believe in my bones that no matter how long and painful
it is in coming
there is healing for all the repercussions of evil


I feel giddy at letting go of the struggle
And sad a little
Disappointed
And yet ready to trade off
*****

And for the record, what about the money?
Adoption is pricey.
And we've been broke a long time.
So God, if this is your idea
how about if you make the money available.

And then there's Tim's lack of interest
possibly even opposition

I'm ok if it doesn't materialize
but if it's going to
hearts will need to change
and money flow