"They (the bears) show up at our place early June every year. Dewey and Glenda have been seeing them earlier this spring.
Life in the woods I guess."
The Spohns
Emily:
Hi Amy,
Just
touching base about the note/check you sent in April. It was confusing
to me, but I took it as a sign of you reaching out to me & I
appreciate that. That financial situation was taken care of a long time
ago. I’ll look forward to addressing the issues in our relationship
when you are ready to talk.
Emily
Amy:
Such good timing. A thought struck me out of the blue yesterday and I was going to email you today.
It just occurred to me that our declining the invitation to Mahalia's b-day party in Mpls last Christmastime and our invitation to have her come here might have come across as insulting or spurning an offer of reaching out rather than a combo of incompatible timing and desire for alternate activity. I hadn't thought of it at the time and when I did yesterday, I thought, "Well, duh!"
I appreciate that you were able to see through the confusion of the check and note to the reaching out behind it.
Also, I wanted to thank you again for the email about your concerns for Mark. I appreciate your integrity in that difficult situation.
From your perspective, what would 'being ready to talk' look like?
I've started like 5 sentences here and then deleted them. Let me try again.
I see you reaching out. I see myself reaching out.
I wonder- what's next? Are we ready to talk? And if we did, what kind of conversation would we have? Do we need to start small and build? Or do we need to address all the issues first? Do I have what it will take to resolve these issues or will I need to mature more before I have the skills? Would we be wise to talk with the help of a mediator or counselor of some kind?
Do you have insight?
Amy
It just occurred to me that our declining the invitation to Mahalia's b-day party in Mpls last Christmastime and our invitation to have her come here might have come across as insulting or spurning an offer of reaching out rather than a combo of incompatible timing and desire for alternate activity. I hadn't thought of it at the time and when I did yesterday, I thought, "Well, duh!"
I appreciate that you were able to see through the confusion of the check and note to the reaching out behind it.
Also, I wanted to thank you again for the email about your concerns for Mark. I appreciate your integrity in that difficult situation.
From your perspective, what would 'being ready to talk' look like?
I've started like 5 sentences here and then deleted them. Let me try again.
I see you reaching out. I see myself reaching out.
I wonder- what's next? Are we ready to talk? And if we did, what kind of conversation would we have? Do we need to start small and build? Or do we need to address all the issues first? Do I have what it will take to resolve these issues or will I need to mature more before I have the skills? Would we be wise to talk with the help of a mediator or counselor of some kind?
Do you have insight?
Amy
Emily:
Thanks Ames.
Here are my insights....
We care about each other. We've been hurt. Relationship involves risk.
It
sounds like you'd like me to assure you that all will go exactly the
way you'd like it to go so you can feel safe. In my experience, feeling
safe is an internal assurance of yourself & your own ability to
handle what comes at you. I can't do that for you. You have to BE safe
inside yourself.
I
know you aren't trying to hurt me, but I am hurt by your extreme
distrust - especially after the relationship that we had two years ago.
I am sad that your fear has kept us apart all of this time.
I
won't spell it all out. I don't want to involve another person. I
want to come together as two grown women who've lived a lot of life,
been hurt a lot & can move forward, knowing that pain is always just
a moment away, but choose to really live anyway.
Emily
Amy:
You summed up the care-hurt-risk thing well. All true.
I think you're on to something about internal assurance of myself and my own ability to handle what comes at me. This is one of the big challenges I've been discussing in counseling and working on personally. I have a list of safety goals on my fridge and am focusing the next couple weeks on trying to keep my arousal level balanced so I don't feel overwhelmed/anxious or exhausted. Tough road, though. I've had some recent set backs and fear is a relentless nemesis.
I appreciate your honesty about feeling hurt. I hear that you are ready to forge ahead and are feeling bold in the face of unavoidable risk.
I am not bold, however, and so I wonder, could you continue to channel your robust courage into patience on my behalf? I know you have already been so patient but I'm feeling easily spooked, like a deer without cover. I think I could try to plow through and force myself to engage but I would rather wait myself out and see what is to be gained in the fullness of time.
I am scheduled to meet my counselor again in a couple weeks and I will raise these issues and seek guidance as I have repeatedly in the past.
I have not forgotten you and I, too, hope we will be in phase again someday. I am seeking my path forward; my lack of talking does not indicate a lack of effort or will toward that end.
Blessings,
Amy
I think you're on to something about internal assurance of myself and my own ability to handle what comes at me. This is one of the big challenges I've been discussing in counseling and working on personally. I have a list of safety goals on my fridge and am focusing the next couple weeks on trying to keep my arousal level balanced so I don't feel overwhelmed/anxious or exhausted. Tough road, though. I've had some recent set backs and fear is a relentless nemesis.
I appreciate your honesty about feeling hurt. I hear that you are ready to forge ahead and are feeling bold in the face of unavoidable risk.
I am not bold, however, and so I wonder, could you continue to channel your robust courage into patience on my behalf? I know you have already been so patient but I'm feeling easily spooked, like a deer without cover. I think I could try to plow through and force myself to engage but I would rather wait myself out and see what is to be gained in the fullness of time.
I am scheduled to meet my counselor again in a couple weeks and I will raise these issues and seek guidance as I have repeatedly in the past.
I have not forgotten you and I, too, hope we will be in phase again someday. I am seeking my path forward; my lack of talking does not indicate a lack of effort or will toward that end.
Blessings,
Amy
Emily:
I
hope all the best for you as you battle this fear that has got such a
grip on you. May you experience freedom & a new grace to move
forward with peace & confidence.
I feel so angry that my fear is disrespected. I feel blamed. I feel that my feelings are inconvenient for others and that they'd like it if I got on with 'really living' instead.
I try to be understanding. I do my best to respect other people's process and what do I get in return? My feelings, my needs are inconvenient and should be otherwise.
I choose not to be the kind of person who blames another for disagreeing or having inconvenient opinions or experiences.
And yet, they keep blaming me back.
This makes me mad.
God, how am I going to find my way out of this?
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