Trembling

I'm trembling, vibrating with this shrill panicky vibe.  I really don't like it.  Second day in a row I've woken up with it.
I've been crying frequently, swamped by big waves of sadness and grief, feeling that I will never be well, that the pain will never stop.  So much pain for so long.
In specific, my big left toe under the old surgery site is pulsing occasionally.  Is the cyst re-growing again like it did before?
I'm frightened and shaking.
I canceled my appointment to get the mold made for my partial denture yesterday and called Kay Allen to schedule EMDR for next week.  The mold is not urgent and can wait until I feel calmer.
I told myself this morning that I will weep some and feel the fear some but that I will wait until I am not alone to feel the big stuff, that deep awareness of never-ending pain and suffering.  I do not need to go there alone.  I can go there with Ginger and Shannon and Kay in the next 10 days.  I can get more help from Joe and others if I need more.
I can shake and weep but I don't need to go to the worst places alone.  This is not denial, this is respect- respect for the depth of my pain and fear and respect for myself. 
I called Uptown Dermatology at 7:00 am and after getting the voicemail, checked and found out that they open at 7:30.  I've got 10 minutes until I call back to ask to get a CT scan on my foot.  I can know and I want to know, definitively, if the cyst is coming back.  If it is, I will take swift, decisive action and not wait for the second surgery to heal and the pain to build until I cannot tolerate it anymore.  Nope, not doing it again.  I will find out and I will take swift, decisive action.
While they're at it, I think I'd like a CT on my other foot as well, the right Achilles tendon area gets inflamed and painful and I'd like to know definitively why.
I am realizing how much of my pain and discomfort is related to inflammation.  I had a headache last night, took two Advil, and was amazed by how much less pain I felt after yoga.  Even this morning, I am much less achy.  I need to talk with Ginger about the underlying causes of my inflammation and what I can do about it now.  I'm much less inflamed these days- from gums to heel, I am less swollen and painful.
My head.  My poor aching head.  My surgery site was doing so much better there for a while.  I took the Cyruta anti-inflammatory pills out of my purse because I hadn't needed them in two weeks.  And then, since I last saw Ginger, the pain has generalized from the surgery site to various radiating spots- my eye socket, my jaw, my occiput, various spots above other teeth- like a spider web of tension.  When I consciously relax, I can ease the tension.  Lying down with my glasses off helps, too, as does laying on my back pillow, stretching my neck, and resting my head on the tennis balls in a sock.
Well, it's after 7:30 and I should wrap this up.

God, I am trembling with fear.
Please bless all those who are sick and in pain today.  I'm not sure what to ask for but give them all wonderful.  Give those of us who suffer and who are afraid courage and hope and help.
Tim was anxious last night, too.  Can You do something about that?
Make me an instrument of your peace.  In my life first.
Amen

untitled ponderings

Too damn persistent.
I'd like to say determined
but obsessed
or dogged
or obstinate
might suit, too
Drat

I can't let go
wondering about adoption again
The idea makes me exhausted
I think paperwork
and bureaucracy
and indeterminate waiting
with no sure outcome

And I cringe

I think about baby-proofing
doing cruddy patrol
changing diapers in the middle of the night

And I just feel exhausted
Been there
Done that


I think baby smiles and coos
baby feet
questions from the back seat
warm heavy sleepers on my shoulder


I am a good mother
A really good mother
Mothering brings me a lot of joy


If a child
an orphan wandered into
our lives
our home
in another system
another time and place
we would take them in
without a doubt
and we would fall in love with them
and care for them
and raise them as our own

If presented with a need
and a responsibility
we would rise

Presented with bureaucracy
and forms
and $20,000 in fees
wait of indeterminate length
it becomes
stress and hoops

God,
Grant me the grace to let go
and hold on
each in their season

I am a very, very good mom
And mothering brings me joy

Should I shoot my birthday money on this pre-application fee?
Crap

When I said I wanted to reinvent myself
I had no idea how quickly and thoroughly
God would upend my entire life

Strong and satisfied
enough for joy

What does that mean?
Does it mean shoot my birthday money on an application
for adoption
while paying $2000+ for inspections
on a house
when the bank hasn't accepted our offer?
How many crazy risks is it possible to take
at one time and not be crazy?

Same old, brand new

Tim and I have talked about the process of deciding whether to adopt or not.  He's not interested, at all.  I'm theoretically interested but practically, the thought of all that bureaucracy makes me cranky.  I think having a permanent birth control solution in place will help me gain clarity.  I told Tim that I can see moving to "no" if we can't agree within 18 months or if I wake up one morning knowing I'm done trying.  He said he could move to "yes" if his mind were changed.

The whole conversation came from a different posture, a different tone than any impasse we've had before.  

I feel frustrated that here we are once again with me wanting something and Tim saying no.

I also feel angry that when he says that God gave him a vision about loving Marci and swimming through a lake of lava- I say yes and to the best of my ability support him for more than a decade.  And when the time comes to reciprocate, he says, "Not interested."

Planning to take that up with my counselor.

Being in the hands of a wild God is fearful.

And yet, I also feel encouraged that we could have such a different conversation while having the same conversation.  Mutual respect.  Calm.  Boundaried.  No anger.  No persuading.  Not a whiff of meanness.  Only calm and kind and clear.

Such a strange place- the same.  And yet, entirely different.

I feel like I haven't changed at all.
And I feel that I've changed a great deal.

Childbearing- done and delighted

I slept on it and woke up early and happy.  I can feel the power of kindness to myself flowing over my body and soul.  Aaahhh.

God told me to get up, go downstairs, and sit on the floor where I had sat 11 years ago and had received visions of suffering and difficulty and had accepted.  I've always been God's woman.  From the beginning, from beauty and goodness and wonder and love- I've always been God's.  If God has put love in my heart for two more children, whether requited or disappointed, I will try.

I asked God about the money and God said to take the gratitude money we set aside from the $200,000 Tim's parents gifted us and give ourselves to the kids.  God also said that the twins are coming.

I asked for mercy.  Last time I sat there, saw visions and said yes, I got slammed by pain for a decade and I don't want Him to take advantage of my good graces again.  God explained that when I said yes, I was not saying yes to the pain- the pain was already in play.  I was saying yes to the joy.

I also stated that I felt crazy for waking up one day ready to adopt after decades of not wanting to and after 10 years of desperately wanting children of my own body.  So much self-inflicted pressure.  So much longing.  So little time for a complete change.  Nuts.  Persistently stupid.  I received an image of an arrow nocked, being pulled farther and farther back, pressure building, and then released in the moment of flight.  That's God pulling the bow and I'm His arrow.

Crazy.  Absolutely wild, untamed grace.  I've got faith in that grace- not to get what I want but in getting untamed goodness.

Then God sent me back to bed and I slept.  When I awoke again, I called Tim and talked to him for half an hour while he drove.  He agreed to putting it on the table and to thinking about it.  He loves me so very much.  I told him his happiness and limits are more important to me than more kids.  I love him so very much.

Take God's money and give ourselves to the kids.  What an honor.  I feel like God's special treat.

I'll be God's arrow.

I'll try.

And if the kids are on the way, God, bless them and their family in the loss and gain, endings and beginnings, grief and boons- the whole shebang.

And if my heart is to be broken- sing of the honor in following my heart and the passion of my love for You and the beauty of my faith in crazy grace and the glory of being me.

I like me.
It is good to be me.
It is beautiful and glorious to me
After everything and everything
I am glorious

Closing the franchise and playing to my strengths

I am considering closing the baby franchise by asking Tim to get a vasectomy.  I am considering adoption- domestic, infant, twins.

Raising kids is my forte; gestating and bearing them is not.

Kindness is my first principle.  Kindness to myself in this case.

There.  I wrote it.  Said it in the hoop house.  I'll try that on for a couple days.  And see what comes of it. 
*****
Somehow I don't feel terrified, even knowing the stories of Tim's siblings and Irina.  Choosing to accentuate my strengths feels good.

No pregnancy.  No labor.  No hormones.  No breastfeeding.  No doctors.  No cervix.  No pictocin.

Starting fresh and rested with a newborn, even two.  Bottle feeding.  Emotional work.  Loss and grief.

Seems like cheating almost.

Granted it wouldn't be more of Tim and me in the world.  Having more Tim in the world- thinking that always chokes me up.  And thinking about no more Tim in the world makes me sad.  So biologically speaking, not more of us.  That would be a bummer.

I think I could get over it for the love and joy of parenting again with him, though.

Child bearing is a great trick, one of my best tricks really, and I would feel sad to never perform that trick again.

On the other hand, unbridled sex.  Unlimited sex, in my prime, an experienced lover with no worries about procreation.  Yeah, I think I could get over being less tricky.  Or turning more tricks, depending on how you look at that.

Never having to wonder if I would be able to successfully breastfeed.  Never pondering how I would handle labor ever again.  Never facing that bottomless terror again.

Yeah, I could live with that.  Kindly, even.

And not having more kids at all, I could live with that, too.  I'd do some grieving and I'd feel sad, but I could live kindly with that, too.

I want to mention this to Tim but he doesn't talk tentative rough drafts often and I think I should sleep on it a couple nights, give it some time to settle before I broach it.

After all the years and all the wishing and wanting and stressing out just thinking about it and turning the pieces over and over to get them to fit and trying and planning and straining-
just laying it down feels glorious.

Like when I didn't get that fabulous middle school ESL job with great co-teachers and I felt relieved.  Giddy and relieved.  That moment ended my K-12 teaching career and began my path of adult ed.

Like when I told Tim that the only house I woke up thinking about was the dome even though it was too far in the wrong direction, too little of the wrong kind of land- still, that was the house I imagined waking up in.  And then Tim said he wanted me to be happy and we checked it out, zeroed in on permaculture, and now have a bid in.  Extravagantly beautiful house.  Soulful land.  Low effort farming.  It's good to be me.

Listen to my self.  Respecting limits and passions is kindness.
I will not always get what I want.
But I can always choose to listen to myself and respect my wishes.
I can say what I want even while letting it go.
I will ask and I will try even if the answer is no.
I will honor my wantings, my longings.
This has been long- a 10 1/2 year long.
That is long enough.

I have love for 4 children in my heart.
And perhaps I will die unrequited.
But perhaps not.
I will surely not die untried.

Childbearing is done.
And perhaps child raising is, too.

Closing a franchise
Opening to kindness

*****
Ok, I thought of another thing.
I've spent my whole life picking up after other people's messes.
Grampa Eldridge.  Group home and foster kids.  Etc, etc, etc.

So, how is it going to be if I spend the rest of my life
addressing messes made before I met my kids?

Yeah, that's going to be a tough one.
There's not going to be much of an upside with that one.
I really, really hate cleaning up other people's dysfunctional catastrophes.
I'm not sure if the adverb I want here is unfortunately or fortunately but
I've gotten very good at healing through consequences of evil.

Maybe unfortunately
Maybe fortunately
because I do appreciate how long and pervasive it is
and because I also believe in my bones that no matter how long and painful
it is in coming
there is healing for all the repercussions of evil


I feel giddy at letting go of the struggle
And sad a little
Disappointed
And yet ready to trade off
*****

And for the record, what about the money?
Adoption is pricey.
And we've been broke a long time.
So God, if this is your idea
how about if you make the money available.

And then there's Tim's lack of interest
possibly even opposition

I'm ok if it doesn't materialize
but if it's going to
hearts will need to change
and money flow

God Quotes

"...God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him."

Just the Way I Am, Horning

"O God, if I worship thee for fear of hell, send me thence,

And if I worship thee in in hope of paradise, exclude me thence,

But if I worship Thee for thine own sake, do not withhold from me thy eternal beauty."

Rabi'a al-Adawiyya, Muslim mystic

Grateful Leper

I've been pondering this blog for two months, since early December's art day at Angela's.  We were talking about being grateful when we don't get what we want.  In one of those moments I've come to recognize, I heard myself saying something I'd never even thought before, "When Jesus healed those 10 lepers, the one guy who came back- well, I think that he wasn't a grateful man because he was healed.  I think he cultivated gratitude while he was still a leper.  I bet he was a grateful leper."

"Bong," sounded the bell ringing in my soul.

Here's the text from Luke:

Jesus Heals Ten Men With Leprosy

 ¹¹ Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. ¹² As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy^[b] met him. They stood at a distance ¹³ and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”  ¹⁴ When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed.
 ¹⁵ One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. ¹⁶ He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.
 ¹⁷ Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? ¹⁸ Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” ¹⁹ Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.”


I have since thought and re-thought about being a grateful leper, cultivating gratitude and happiness when I don't get what I want.  I believe that being a grateful leper is tied more closely to happiness than being thankful when I get my wish.  I believed that without gratitude, I will never find lasting happiness.  Could an ungrateful person ever really sustain happiness?  I doubt it.

This man blew Jesus' mind and entered Jesus' story not because he had suffered.  All lepers suffered.  Nor was it because he was miraculously healed.  All 10 were healed.  His story has been told for 2,000 years because he praised God in gratitude.  He didn't get grateful when he got healed.  Just look at the other nine guys.  His healing granted him his wish but I bet he had cultivated gratitude long before Jesus walked by. 

So, I find myself regularly reflecting on lepers and gratitude and happiness.

This morning I dreamed about writing "I am deeply grateful" on a large poster publicly hung.  Then I got the Wedge e-newsletter announcing that 2012 is the International Year of the Co-op.  So I replied with this email:

Hi, Elizabeth!

I've been seeing info on celebrating 2012 Year of Co-ops and I want to share one way I've celebrated myself.  I have created a quilt commemorating people and places which have helped me on my healing journey in my 20's and 30's.  I also have written an art blog sharing the stories of how each person and place have impacted me.  My quilt has 3 co-ops represented- The Healing Circle an alternative medicine co-op, MOMS Co-op from Cambridge MN (now City Center Co-op), and of course, our much loved Wedge Co-op. 

Here's a link to my quilt page which has photos.  Scroll down 'til you see the deep pink triangle shape in a close up photo- that's the Wedge's symbol.  MOMS Co-op is a rectangle and The Healing Circle, you guessed it, a circle.  Underneath you'll find my story about why I included these co-ops on my quilt.

Co-ops have played a big part in our family's well-being and in my story and it would be my honor to say so publicly.  Also, I love telling good stories and would be interested in helping you capture and share other people's stories about their co-op experience as a gift of gratitude.

The Wedge, what all of us have created here, means a lot to us and I'm really pleased we're taking a year to celebrate.  Let us know how we can join in the party!

:)Amy Reisdorf
for Mark, Anjali, and Tim, too

Once I sent that email, I realized that I had publicly launched my new art blog.  So, I spent the next three hours emailing everyone involved and thanking them.  I haven't had this much fun in a long time.  Total blast.  I re-read about each person in the art blog and then thanked them individually.   Fun, fun, fun.

What adds to this tale is that I was waiting all day for Dr Jenny to call with my CT scan results.  My jaw has been very painful lately.  Glasses prescription checked and fine.  White blood cell checked and normal.  Couple nights ago I was up in the dark watches pacing and praying, anxious and self-loathing.  Asked God for peace with myself and for the last couple days, received it.  Instead of freaking out all day while waiting to find out if I needed a hole drilled in my head, I thanked everyone and celebrated them and me and my healing journey.  Very powerful.  And calming.  And so much fun.

Got the call this afternoon- no cyst.  To find out why my head hurts and swells I'm going to a neurologist next week.  Ginger tomorrow and probably Joe soon, too.

In the midst of all that, that was the perfect time for gratitude.  
Today I got to be the grateful leper.
I'm delighted.

No help was unneeded

Today Tim went to see the dermatologist.  He's been a lot in the last couple years- bad eczema and planter's wart.  He's been abstaining from citric acid and milk and taking supplements for histamine balance and digestion and his skin is looking mighty fine.  He had scheduled this appointment back at the beginning of last month when things were still bad and after they got better, he kept it to say thanks.  He was magnanimous in his thanks.  The dermatologist demurred saying, "You found your own solution."  Tim replied, "No help was unneeded."  She had seen him through several tough years until the solution came.

No help was unneeded.
When I heard that, tears welled up and I knew I needed to blog.
Today, I publicly shared my art blog, emailing the link to everyone involved and many friends and family, too. 
No help was unneeded.