Too damn persistent.
I'd like to say determined
but obsessed
or dogged
or obstinate
might suit, too
Drat
I can't let go
wondering about adoption again
The idea makes me exhausted
I think paperwork
and bureaucracy
and indeterminate waiting
with no sure outcome
And I cringe
I think about baby-proofing
doing cruddy patrol
changing diapers in the middle of the night
And I just feel exhausted
Been there
Done that
I think baby smiles and coos
baby feet
questions from the back seat
warm heavy sleepers on my shoulder
I am a good mother
A really good mother
Mothering brings me a lot of joy
If a child
an orphan wandered into
our lives
our home
in another system
another time and place
we would take them in
without a doubt
and we would fall in love with them
and care for them
and raise them as our own
If presented with a need
and a responsibility
we would rise
Presented with bureaucracy
and forms
and $20,000 in fees
wait of indeterminate length
it becomes
stress and hoops
God,
Grant me the grace to let go
and hold on
each in their season
I am a very, very good mom
And mothering brings me joy
Should I shoot my birthday money on this pre-application fee?
Crap
When I said I wanted to reinvent myself
I had no idea how quickly and thoroughly
God would upend my entire life
Strong and satisfied
enough for joy
What does that mean?
Does it mean shoot my birthday money on an application
for adoption
while paying $2000+ for inspections
on a house
when the bank hasn't accepted our offer?
How many crazy risks is it possible to take
at one time and not be crazy?
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Same old, brand new
Tim and I have talked about the process of deciding whether to adopt or not. He's not interested, at all. I'm theoretically interested but practically, the thought of all that bureaucracy makes me cranky. I think having a permanent birth control solution in place will help me gain clarity. I told Tim that I can see moving to "no" if we can't agree within 18 months or if I wake up one morning knowing I'm done trying. He said he could move to "yes" if his mind were changed.
The whole conversation came from a different posture, a different tone than any impasse we've had before.
I feel frustrated that here we are once again with me wanting something and Tim saying no.
I also feel angry that when he says that God gave him a vision about loving Marci and swimming through a lake of lava- I say yes and to the best of my ability support him for more than a decade. And when the time comes to reciprocate, he says, "Not interested."
Planning to take that up with my counselor.
Being in the hands of a wild God is fearful.
And yet, I also feel encouraged that we could have such a different conversation while having the same conversation. Mutual respect. Calm. Boundaried. No anger. No persuading. Not a whiff of meanness. Only calm and kind and clear.
Such a strange place- the same. And yet, entirely different.
I feel like I haven't changed at all.
And I feel that I've changed a great deal.
The whole conversation came from a different posture, a different tone than any impasse we've had before.
I feel frustrated that here we are once again with me wanting something and Tim saying no.
I also feel angry that when he says that God gave him a vision about loving Marci and swimming through a lake of lava- I say yes and to the best of my ability support him for more than a decade. And when the time comes to reciprocate, he says, "Not interested."
Planning to take that up with my counselor.
Being in the hands of a wild God is fearful.
And yet, I also feel encouraged that we could have such a different conversation while having the same conversation. Mutual respect. Calm. Boundaried. No anger. No persuading. Not a whiff of meanness. Only calm and kind and clear.
Such a strange place- the same. And yet, entirely different.
I feel like I haven't changed at all.
And I feel that I've changed a great deal.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Childbearing- done and delighted
I slept on it and woke up early and happy. I can feel the power of kindness to myself flowing over my body and soul. Aaahhh.
God told me to get up, go downstairs, and sit on the floor where I had sat 11 years ago and had received visions of suffering and difficulty and had accepted. I've always been God's woman. From the beginning, from beauty and goodness and wonder and love- I've always been God's. If God has put love in my heart for two more children, whether requited or disappointed, I will try.
I asked God about the money and God said to take the gratitude money we set aside from the $200,000 Tim's parents gifted us and give ourselves to the kids. God also said that the twins are coming.
I asked for mercy. Last time I sat there, saw visions and said yes, I got slammed by pain for a decade and I don't want Him to take advantage of my good graces again. God explained that when I said yes, I was not saying yes to the pain- the pain was already in play. I was saying yes to the joy.
I also stated that I felt crazy for waking up one day ready to adopt after decades of not wanting to and after 10 years of desperately wanting children of my own body. So much self-inflicted pressure. So much longing. So little time for a complete change. Nuts. Persistently stupid. I received an image of an arrow nocked, being pulled farther and farther back, pressure building, and then released in the moment of flight. That's God pulling the bow and I'm His arrow.
Crazy. Absolutely wild, untamed grace. I've got faith in that grace- not to get what I want but in getting untamed goodness.
Then God sent me back to bed and I slept. When I awoke again, I called Tim and talked to him for half an hour while he drove. He agreed to putting it on the table and to thinking about it. He loves me so very much. I told him his happiness and limits are more important to me than more kids. I love him so very much.
Take God's money and give ourselves to the kids. What an honor. I feel like God's special treat.
I'll be God's arrow.
I'll try.
And if the kids are on the way, God, bless them and their family in the loss and gain, endings and beginnings, grief and boons- the whole shebang.
And if my heart is to be broken- sing of the honor in following my heart and the passion of my love for You and the beauty of my faith in crazy grace and the glory of being me.
I like me.
It is good to be me.
It is beautiful and glorious to me
After everything and everything
I am glorious
God told me to get up, go downstairs, and sit on the floor where I had sat 11 years ago and had received visions of suffering and difficulty and had accepted. I've always been God's woman. From the beginning, from beauty and goodness and wonder and love- I've always been God's. If God has put love in my heart for two more children, whether requited or disappointed, I will try.
I asked God about the money and God said to take the gratitude money we set aside from the $200,000 Tim's parents gifted us and give ourselves to the kids. God also said that the twins are coming.
I asked for mercy. Last time I sat there, saw visions and said yes, I got slammed by pain for a decade and I don't want Him to take advantage of my good graces again. God explained that when I said yes, I was not saying yes to the pain- the pain was already in play. I was saying yes to the joy.
I also stated that I felt crazy for waking up one day ready to adopt after decades of not wanting to and after 10 years of desperately wanting children of my own body. So much self-inflicted pressure. So much longing. So little time for a complete change. Nuts. Persistently stupid. I received an image of an arrow nocked, being pulled farther and farther back, pressure building, and then released in the moment of flight. That's God pulling the bow and I'm His arrow.
Crazy. Absolutely wild, untamed grace. I've got faith in that grace- not to get what I want but in getting untamed goodness.
Then God sent me back to bed and I slept. When I awoke again, I called Tim and talked to him for half an hour while he drove. He agreed to putting it on the table and to thinking about it. He loves me so very much. I told him his happiness and limits are more important to me than more kids. I love him so very much.
Take God's money and give ourselves to the kids. What an honor. I feel like God's special treat.
I'll be God's arrow.
I'll try.
And if the kids are on the way, God, bless them and their family in the loss and gain, endings and beginnings, grief and boons- the whole shebang.
And if my heart is to be broken- sing of the honor in following my heart and the passion of my love for You and the beauty of my faith in crazy grace and the glory of being me.
I like me.
It is good to be me.
It is beautiful and glorious to me
After everything and everything
I am glorious
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Closing the franchise and playing to my strengths
I am considering closing the baby franchise by asking Tim to get a vasectomy. I am considering adoption- domestic, infant, twins.
Raising kids is my forte; gestating and bearing them is not.
Kindness is my first principle. Kindness to myself in this case.
There. I wrote it. Said it in the hoop house. I'll try that on for a couple days. And see what comes of it.
*****
Somehow I don't feel terrified, even knowing the stories of Tim's siblings and Irina. Choosing to accentuate my strengths feels good.
No pregnancy. No labor. No hormones. No breastfeeding. No doctors. No cervix. No pictocin.
Starting fresh and rested with a newborn, even two. Bottle feeding. Emotional work. Loss and grief.
Seems like cheating almost.
Granted it wouldn't be more of Tim and me in the world. Having more Tim in the world- thinking that always chokes me up. And thinking about no more Tim in the world makes me sad. So biologically speaking, not more of us. That would be a bummer.
I think I could get over it for the love and joy of parenting again with him, though.
Child bearing is a great trick, one of my best tricks really, and I would feel sad to never perform that trick again.
On the other hand, unbridled sex. Unlimited sex, in my prime, an experienced lover with no worries about procreation. Yeah, I think I could get over being less tricky. Or turning more tricks, depending on how you look at that.
Never having to wonder if I would be able to successfully breastfeed. Never pondering how I would handle labor ever again. Never facing that bottomless terror again.
Yeah, I could live with that. Kindly, even.
And not having more kids at all, I could live with that, too. I'd do some grieving and I'd feel sad, but I could live kindly with that, too.
I want to mention this to Tim but he doesn't talk tentative rough drafts often and I think I should sleep on it a couple nights, give it some time to settle before I broach it.
After all the years and all the wishing and wanting and stressing out just thinking about it and turning the pieces over and over to get them to fit and trying and planning and straining-
just laying it down feels glorious.
Like when I didn't get that fabulous middle school ESL job with great co-teachers and I felt relieved. Giddy and relieved. That moment ended my K-12 teaching career and began my path of adult ed.
Like when I told Tim that the only house I woke up thinking about was the dome even though it was too far in the wrong direction, too little of the wrong kind of land- still, that was the house I imagined waking up in. And then Tim said he wanted me to be happy and we checked it out, zeroed in on permaculture, and now have a bid in. Extravagantly beautiful house. Soulful land. Low effort farming. It's good to be me.
Listen to my self. Respecting limits and passions is kindness.
I will not always get what I want.
But I can always choose to listen to myself and respect my wishes.
I can say what I want even while letting it go.
I will ask and I will try even if the answer is no.
I will honor my wantings, my longings.
This has been long- a 10 1/2 year long.
That is long enough.
I have love for 4 children in my heart.
And perhaps I will die unrequited.
But perhaps not.
I will surely not die untried.
Childbearing is done.
And perhaps child raising is, too.
Closing a franchise
Opening to kindness
*****
Ok, I thought of another thing.
I've spent my whole life picking up after other people's messes.
Grampa Eldridge. Group home and foster kids. Etc, etc, etc.
So, how is it going to be if I spend the rest of my life
addressing messes made before I met my kids?
Yeah, that's going to be a tough one.
There's not going to be much of an upside with that one.
I really, really hate cleaning up other people's dysfunctional catastrophes.
I'm not sure if the adverb I want here is unfortunately or fortunately but
I've gotten very good at healing through consequences of evil.
Maybe unfortunately
Maybe fortunately
because I do appreciate how long and pervasive it is
and because I also believe in my bones that no matter how long and painful
it is in coming
there is healing for all the repercussions of evil
I feel giddy at letting go of the struggle
And sad a little
Disappointed
And yet ready to trade off
*****
And for the record, what about the money?
Adoption is pricey.
And we've been broke a long time.
So God, if this is your idea
how about if you make the money available.
And then there's Tim's lack of interest
possibly even opposition
I'm ok if it doesn't materialize
but if it's going to
hearts will need to change
and money flow
Raising kids is my forte; gestating and bearing them is not.
Kindness is my first principle. Kindness to myself in this case.
There. I wrote it. Said it in the hoop house. I'll try that on for a couple days. And see what comes of it.
*****
Somehow I don't feel terrified, even knowing the stories of Tim's siblings and Irina. Choosing to accentuate my strengths feels good.
No pregnancy. No labor. No hormones. No breastfeeding. No doctors. No cervix. No pictocin.
Starting fresh and rested with a newborn, even two. Bottle feeding. Emotional work. Loss and grief.
Seems like cheating almost.
Granted it wouldn't be more of Tim and me in the world. Having more Tim in the world- thinking that always chokes me up. And thinking about no more Tim in the world makes me sad. So biologically speaking, not more of us. That would be a bummer.
I think I could get over it for the love and joy of parenting again with him, though.
Child bearing is a great trick, one of my best tricks really, and I would feel sad to never perform that trick again.
On the other hand, unbridled sex. Unlimited sex, in my prime, an experienced lover with no worries about procreation. Yeah, I think I could get over being less tricky. Or turning more tricks, depending on how you look at that.
Never having to wonder if I would be able to successfully breastfeed. Never pondering how I would handle labor ever again. Never facing that bottomless terror again.
Yeah, I could live with that. Kindly, even.
And not having more kids at all, I could live with that, too. I'd do some grieving and I'd feel sad, but I could live kindly with that, too.
I want to mention this to Tim but he doesn't talk tentative rough drafts often and I think I should sleep on it a couple nights, give it some time to settle before I broach it.
After all the years and all the wishing and wanting and stressing out just thinking about it and turning the pieces over and over to get them to fit and trying and planning and straining-
just laying it down feels glorious.
Like when I didn't get that fabulous middle school ESL job with great co-teachers and I felt relieved. Giddy and relieved. That moment ended my K-12 teaching career and began my path of adult ed.
Like when I told Tim that the only house I woke up thinking about was the dome even though it was too far in the wrong direction, too little of the wrong kind of land- still, that was the house I imagined waking up in. And then Tim said he wanted me to be happy and we checked it out, zeroed in on permaculture, and now have a bid in. Extravagantly beautiful house. Soulful land. Low effort farming. It's good to be me.
Listen to my self. Respecting limits and passions is kindness.
I will not always get what I want.
But I can always choose to listen to myself and respect my wishes.
I can say what I want even while letting it go.
I will ask and I will try even if the answer is no.
I will honor my wantings, my longings.
This has been long- a 10 1/2 year long.
That is long enough.
I have love for 4 children in my heart.
And perhaps I will die unrequited.
But perhaps not.
I will surely not die untried.
Childbearing is done.
And perhaps child raising is, too.
Closing a franchise
Opening to kindness
*****
Ok, I thought of another thing.
I've spent my whole life picking up after other people's messes.
Grampa Eldridge. Group home and foster kids. Etc, etc, etc.
So, how is it going to be if I spend the rest of my life
addressing messes made before I met my kids?
Yeah, that's going to be a tough one.
There's not going to be much of an upside with that one.
I really, really hate cleaning up other people's dysfunctional catastrophes.
I'm not sure if the adverb I want here is unfortunately or fortunately but
I've gotten very good at healing through consequences of evil.
Maybe unfortunately
Maybe fortunately
because I do appreciate how long and pervasive it is
and because I also believe in my bones that no matter how long and painful
it is in coming
there is healing for all the repercussions of evil
I feel giddy at letting go of the struggle
And sad a little
Disappointed
And yet ready to trade off
*****
And for the record, what about the money?
Adoption is pricey.
And we've been broke a long time.
So God, if this is your idea
how about if you make the money available.
And then there's Tim's lack of interest
possibly even opposition
I'm ok if it doesn't materialize
but if it's going to
hearts will need to change
and money flow
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