Thursday, December 15, 2011
Finally satisfied
Today I received an email about a conflict and for the first time in my life, I finally was able to distinguish between fault/guilt and experiencing a person as painful. I first heard this from Pastor Vicki at Open Door but today was the day in which I got it as I said it. I'm just tickled with my growth. I've never felt satisfied in conflict before and now I do. Isn't that something.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Happy for good?
I'm beginning to feel happy regularly. It's like a new kind of normal. A peaceful, rather pleasant place. Got bad moments but internally something is shifting. I've hoped for this kind of shift and been disappointed so many times.
It's like this wart on my left big toe. I've been trying to get rid of it since like February 2009. Thought it would be a matter of weeks but no. I've thought I've gotten rid of it like 4 times but it keeps reappearing. This morning it seemed to come off but I'm skeptical. If it stays gone a month, I'll believe it.
The knot in my back, the one that has chronically been tight for as long as I can remember, well, it's not. How long will it take gone before I believe it?
I'm afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it or disappointing people along with myself when it comes back.
It's like this wart on my left big toe. I've been trying to get rid of it since like February 2009. Thought it would be a matter of weeks but no. I've thought I've gotten rid of it like 4 times but it keeps reappearing. This morning it seemed to come off but I'm skeptical. If it stays gone a month, I'll believe it.
The knot in my back, the one that has chronically been tight for as long as I can remember, well, it's not. How long will it take gone before I believe it?
I'm afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing it or disappointing people along with myself when it comes back.
Monday, October 10, 2011
I know where I've been
Wow- Megan sent me the link to I Know Where I've Been by Queen Latifa.
I had been encouraged by someone I respect to burn and smash all my art so that I could be free from the burdens of the past.
I was giving his suggestion some serious thought and then I listened to this. There is a time for release through destruction- like a burnt offering. However, remembering where I've been is not the problem. Remembering can be a powerful transformative agent depending on how I tell my story.
My challenge is to both remember and release so that I am free to grow into myself.
I intend to give some of my art away, maybe quite a bit of it, and I may end up offering some up to God in destruction. But my goal is not to obliterate my past but to be transformed, to rise like the Phoenix.
I binged "beauty for ashes" and got this which exactly hits the spot.
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor. 4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7 Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”
10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
May God grant me joy and hope and glory in my remembering.
Amen
I had been encouraged by someone I respect to burn and smash all my art so that I could be free from the burdens of the past.
I was giving his suggestion some serious thought and then I listened to this. There is a time for release through destruction- like a burnt offering. However, remembering where I've been is not the problem. Remembering can be a powerful transformative agent depending on how I tell my story.
My challenge is to both remember and release so that I am free to grow into myself.
I intend to give some of my art away, maybe quite a bit of it, and I may end up offering some up to God in destruction. But my goal is not to obliterate my past but to be transformed, to rise like the Phoenix.
I binged "beauty for ashes" and got this which exactly hits the spot.
Isaiah 61
The Year of the LORD’s Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor. 4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the LORD,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7 Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the LORD, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”
10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
May God grant me joy and hope and glory in my remembering.
Amen
Behind me
Several weeks ago, the ice skater, Scott Hamilton was mentioned in our weekly church newsletter as exemplifying a positive attitude. I couldn't find the book referred to in the article, The Great Eight, How to Be Happy (even when you have every reason to be miserable) so I checked out his previous book, Landing It: My Life On and Off the Ice. I skimmed it and wound up offended.
He gets cancer, has surgery and chemo, and within months is back skating. And not simply reclaiming-his-passion skating. Let me quote:
"...But slowing down is not my style, especially not when I was the biggest competition of my life: me versus cancer.
I was determined to beat this illness, and that meant skating again, showing everyone I could regain my old form."
His coach then goes on the say that every time he steps on the ice, he must skate as if he is in competition- no quarter, no backing down- full out every time.
At this point, I'm irked. Cancer is not simply an enemy. It is his own body, his own cells, going rouge, trying to tell him about his limits, trying to let him know that something is wrong which needs his attention and help.
I think to myself, "If this is the kind of attitude which is being held up as an example, then I'll pass. I've been down the driven path and I know exactly where it leads."
Unhappiness is not a spiritual virtue. Martyrdom by lack of boundaries is not heroic.
Then The Great Eight came on reserve and I knew from page 2 that Scott had grown up. I skimmed through it rather quickly skipping large sections since I have little interest in skating celebrities. Some of it's a little cliche frankly. However, his main thrust- choosing happiness in adversity- great point. And his chapter "Clearing the Ice" was right on about conflict resolution.
It was quite powerful for me to see someone grow up overnight- from their mid-30's to 50's all in one week. It gave me new eyes to see my own process and realize how far I've come. I used to be a driven performer and now I'm living differently. It was a good reminder of where I've come from and why it lies behind me.
He gets cancer, has surgery and chemo, and within months is back skating. And not simply reclaiming-his-passion skating. Let me quote:
"...But slowing down is not my style, especially not when I was the biggest competition of my life: me versus cancer.
I was determined to beat this illness, and that meant skating again, showing everyone I could regain my old form."
His coach then goes on the say that every time he steps on the ice, he must skate as if he is in competition- no quarter, no backing down- full out every time.
At this point, I'm irked. Cancer is not simply an enemy. It is his own body, his own cells, going rouge, trying to tell him about his limits, trying to let him know that something is wrong which needs his attention and help.
I think to myself, "If this is the kind of attitude which is being held up as an example, then I'll pass. I've been down the driven path and I know exactly where it leads."
Unhappiness is not a spiritual virtue. Martyrdom by lack of boundaries is not heroic.
Then The Great Eight came on reserve and I knew from page 2 that Scott had grown up. I skimmed through it rather quickly skipping large sections since I have little interest in skating celebrities. Some of it's a little cliche frankly. However, his main thrust- choosing happiness in adversity- great point. And his chapter "Clearing the Ice" was right on about conflict resolution.
It was quite powerful for me to see someone grow up overnight- from their mid-30's to 50's all in one week. It gave me new eyes to see my own process and realize how far I've come. I used to be a driven performer and now I'm living differently. It was a good reminder of where I've come from and why it lies behind me.
Monday, October 3, 2011
My hoophouse
As I near the day when my other blogs-Amy's Healing Garden and Amy's Collected Works- will go public, I have felt ready to share the things from the season that are ending. It is time to celebrate the harvest in my life. A beautiful and rich harvest for which I am very grateful.
Conversely, I've felt too exposed in expressing the new season just beginning. I need a hoophouse. Not a permanent greenhouse or climate controlled hothouse- just a portable hoophouse which "keeps excessive rain off the plants, blocks the wind, raises daytime temperatures 5-10 degrees (and often much more), and keeps frosts and heavy dew off the leaves" until they mature and the hoophouse can be moved to a new patch. A rough draft place. A put-ideas-out-on-the-table-to-look-at-and-talk-about place. A place where my sprouting issues and stories can dwell until they're hardy.
This is that place.
Welcome to my hoophouse.
Conversely, I've felt too exposed in expressing the new season just beginning. I need a hoophouse. Not a permanent greenhouse or climate controlled hothouse- just a portable hoophouse which "keeps excessive rain off the plants, blocks the wind, raises daytime temperatures 5-10 degrees (and often much more), and keeps frosts and heavy dew off the leaves" until they mature and the hoophouse can be moved to a new patch. A rough draft place. A put-ideas-out-on-the-table-to-look-at-and-talk-about place. A place where my sprouting issues and stories can dwell until they're hardy.
This is that place.
Welcome to my hoophouse.
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