No patience

I'm tired of people's impatience with my fear.  My sister and my neighbor have both triggered me this week. 

"They (the bears) show up at our place early June every year. Dewey and Glenda have been seeing them earlier this spring.

Life in the woods I guess."

The Spohns

 

Emily:

Hi Amy,

Just touching base about the note/check you sent in April.  It was confusing to me, but I took it as a sign of you reaching out to me & I appreciate that.  That financial situation was taken care of a long time ago.  I’ll look forward to addressing the issues in our relationship when you are ready to talk.

Emily

 Amy:

Such good timing.  A thought struck me out of the blue yesterday and I was going to email you today.

It just occurred to me that our declining the invitation to Mahalia's b-day party in Mpls last Christmastime and our invitation to have her come here might have come across as insulting or spurning an offer of reaching out rather than a combo of incompatible timing and desire for alternate activity.  I hadn't thought of it at the time and when I did yesterday, I thought, "Well, duh!" 

I appreciate that you were able to see through the confusion of the check and note to the reaching out behind it. 

Also, I wanted to thank you again for the email about your concerns for Mark.  I appreciate your integrity in that difficult situation.

From your perspective, what would 'being ready to talk' look like? 

I've started like 5 sentences here and then deleted them.  Let me try again. 

I see you reaching out.  I see myself reaching out. 
I wonder- what's next?  Are we ready to talk?  And if we did, what kind of conversation would we have?  Do we need to start small and build?  Or do we need to address all the issues first?  Do I have what it will take to resolve these issues or will I need to mature more before I have the skills?  Would we be wise to talk with the help of a mediator or counselor of some kind? 

Do you have insight?

Amy 

Emily:

Thanks Ames.

 

Here are my insights....

 

We care about each other.  We've been hurt.  Relationship involves risk. 

 

It sounds like you'd like me to assure you that all will go exactly the way you'd like it to go so you can feel safe.  In my experience, feeling safe is an internal assurance of yourself & your own ability to handle what comes at you.  I can't do that for you.  You have to BE safe inside yourself.

 

I know you aren't trying to hurt me, but I am hurt by your extreme distrust - especially after the relationship that we had two years ago.  I am sad that your fear has kept us apart all of this time.

 

I won't spell it all out.  I don't want to involve another person.  I want to come together as two grown women who've lived a lot of life, been hurt a lot & can move forward, knowing that pain is always just a moment away, but choose to really live anyway.

 

Emily

Amy:

You summed up the care-hurt-risk thing well.  All true.

I think you're on to something about internal assurance of myself and my own ability to handle what comes at me.  This is one of the big challenges I've been discussing in counseling and working on personally.  I have a list of safety goals on my fridge and am focusing the next couple weeks on trying to keep my arousal level balanced so I don't feel overwhelmed/anxious or exhausted.  Tough road, though.  I've had some recent set backs and fear is a relentless nemesis. 

I appreciate your honesty about feeling hurt.  I hear that you are ready to forge ahead and are feeling bold in the face of unavoidable risk.   
I am not bold, however, and so I wonder, could you continue to channel your robust courage into patience on my behalf?  I know you have already been so patient but I'm feeling easily spooked, like a deer without cover.  I think I could try to plow through and force myself to engage but I would rather wait myself out and see what is to be gained in the fullness of time. 

I am scheduled to meet my counselor again in a couple weeks and I will raise these issues and seek guidance as I have repeatedly in the past.
I have not forgotten you and I, too, hope we will be in phase again someday.  I am seeking my path forward; my lack of talking does not indicate a lack of effort or will toward that end.

Blessings,
Amy   

 

Emily:

I hope all the best for you as you battle this fear that has got such a grip on you.  May you experience freedom & a new grace to move forward with peace & confidence.

 

 

I find myself feeling clenched and anxious and agitated after reading these.  My stomach churns, my head gets poundy and hot, I tremble.  

I feel so angry that my fear is disrespected.  I feel blamed.  I feel that my feelings are inconvenient for others and that they'd like it if I got on with 'really living' instead.  

I try to be understanding.  I do my best to respect other people's process and what do I get in return?  My feelings, my needs are inconvenient and should be otherwise.

I choose not to be the kind of person who blames another for disagreeing or having inconvenient opinions or experiences.

And yet, they keep blaming me back.

This makes me mad.

God, how am I going to find my way out of this?

Clarity

Update 4/2/13- Didn't wind up sending it and I'm glad.  I did just send Em $80 toward our half of Antonio's babysitting contract from summer 2011.  Glad.

1/3/13 Just composed this email.  Haven't sent it yet.  

Em,
I just this morning got clarity.

First, I want to apologize to you, Dan, and Mahalia for all the suffering my un-boundaried decisions and my inability to live well with others has caused you.  I invited you to come and take shelter in my home without the personal resources to provide you a genuine welcome.  I over-committed myself and I regret that I attempted to have anyone live in my home after all previous attempts had failed in my 20's and 30's.  I knew my history and my hesitations and foolishly did not accord them the weight that they merited.  My decisions over the years to not respect my limits have cost many people much pain and I am truly sorry. 

There is no possible way that I can undo even a fraction of the consequences which disproportionately fell on you all, yet I would like to make what amends are within my reach. 

For starters, I will send an email making a public apology and take responsibility for what I have seen today to be my pattern of over-reaching my limits, specifically shown in my failed attempts to live with others.  This situation did not occur in a vacuum and neither should my attempt to make right what I can.  I will include anyone you feel should receive a copy along with everyone I need to send it to.

In addition, I will rescind all current open invitations, whether formal or implied, for people to live with me, including all relatives and godchildren, with an explanation of my failures and my new, much stricter limits.  I will also refrain from issuing new such invitations indefinitely, perhaps permanently.  Hopefully this will prevent future harm.

Next, I am willing to listen to your story for as long as you wish to speak of it.  No amount of listening can un-ring the bell which my actions have rung, but I nonetheless would appreciate a real look at the consequences of my un-boundaried actions through your eyes.  I hope to impress upon myself the real cost of my actions to those I care about so that I might make better, saner choices in the future.  If you should choose not to share your story with me, I would regret that and yet I feel that that, too, would be a natural consequence of my poor choices.

Additionally, though I cannot truly repay all of you for the harm I have caused, I would like to offer what I do have as a token of my sincerity.  I have saved $400 from my Community Ed teaching job to buy goats and chickens this spring, but instead, I would like to offer it to God and give it to you as a sign of my repentance.  Far too long has my dysfunction harmed people and it's time to look those consequences straight in the eye so I can change.  The check is in today's mail.  Although only a fraction of the real damages, I hope that you will accept this offering of repentance and let me make the amends I can.  If you feel you can't accept it because of the pain I have caused you, I ask that you sign it "pay to the order of" the charity of your choice.

Surely, none of these will truly heal the wrong I have done you nor the wrongs I have done to others.  And yet, I hope that by receiving my correction and laying my failures and limitations out for my family and friends I will make different life choices going forward.

Finally, I regret that my delay in insight has cost you many additional months of hardship.  I've been asking God to reveal what I need to see and today I saw.

Please send me the email of anyone you would like to receive my public apology and if you choose to tell me your story, include a couple of convenient times.

I know we shall not be the friends we once were yet I do hope that you and I will find peace in 2013.

Sincerely,
Amy



Ok, so here's the bizarre thing- I feel liberated.  Clear-headed.  Peaceful.  I have been unboundaried and I've been miserable in it.  I'm rather glorying in a good humbling.

This gift of clarity this morning resolves 3 sticky relationship issues I've been having- Sheila, my parents, and Emily.  Emily, see above.  My parents- I've been panicked that they would be in life-and-death straits and that their only chance for survival would be moving in with me so I was trying to maneuver them into moving here sooner so that I wouldn't get trapped later.  With Sheila, it's Irina, well, actually being custodial guardian for either Kate or Irina that's been the rock in my shoe.  I see now that by untying the one problem, I may have untangled all 3.  I can make a public apology to Emily, state my inability to successfully live with others, ask people to make alternate plans, and assure them of my fondness all in one email.  

I have spent years- yea, decades- blowing past my boundaries in living with others.  And oddly like Grampa White and his chocolate shakes, I actually craved the living together solution which never worked.  How terribly human and dysfunctional that is.  Drank himself into a chocolate stupor coma and I'm inviting my own demise.  And the more desperate I became, the less success I had and the more desperately I wanted people to come near.  Dang- that's wicked.

Ok, so I need to let Sheila know that I love her kids, absolutely want to remain their godmother, and can't commit to be their guardian.

And with my parents and all relatives, I need to rescind all offers and state clearly that I do not live well with others.  So, don't count on me for housing.  I will do other things cheerfully and hopefully somewhat more successfully than living together.

I realize now that Tim has been scaring the heebie-jeebies out of me this year with all this talk of The End of the World As We Know It.  Holy smoke- I've been in chronic anxiety mode all year.  Yikes!  So he and I talked it out and I said that unless and until there are actions to take like moving to the country or attending gun safety classes, that I don't want to hear an endless stream of concerned talk coming from him.  Good news, relaxation, fun times together, and positive action- that's what's going to bring me down from Red Alert.  If he can't ask his parents for financial help because it isn't proper- well, then, we can't be in too deep yet.  If he's still worried about impropriety, well, then, I can buy underwear and give my Comm Ed money away as an offering and wait a year to buy chickens.

Also, I thought today that I still really, really want to have more children.  I've suspended talking about it until I'm in the 220#s since that's my upper limit for weight during another pregnancy.  I'm within 15ish pounds of that goal now.  I told Tim this summer I wanted him to get a vasectomy if we were not going to have more kids so at least I could have unfettered sex.  He didn't follow through.  So now, I'm going to tell him that if he's still hesitant to get a vasectomy, that tells me he hasn't truly made up his mind thoroughly and firmly and that if he wants the conversations to end, he should get 'em tied and that'll end it for me.

I am accepting disappointments.  I saw Dr Morrow that pain specialist at the U of M and she took my medical/dental history for an hour.  She said "No wonder you freaked out when your jaw hurt!"  And, "Most doctors only like cases they can solve and many will blame the patient for the unexplained."  Holy smokes!  I felt heard and when I got back to my van, I sat and sobbed my heart out for several minutes, then took a deep breath, and drove on.  

Then I spoke with Nancy Schauff about my Behavior Czar experiences with Angel and finally settled that I'm going to recommend that we do not accept his registration for spring.  Our talk was long and winding but I was able to accept my limits there.

There's been this big drama with Mahalia and Mark and bathtubs and privacy parts and legos and Tim and rape and ... did I mention drama?  Well, Tim and I were talking this morning about good intentions and consequences and protecting ourselves from the people who claim to love us.  I laid back down and starting following a trail of thought about Emily sniffing out the truth and how as Megan said eating 1 piece of chocolate is good but eating 5 will make you sick.  And then like an optical illusion morphing before my eyes, I could see how my excesses, my decisions not respecting my limits were causing harm to Emily.  My drives have been for people to be close.  My abilities failed in living together or sometimes even close.  Repeatedly- think Laura F and Kitty S and Jen M and the Hodges and my parents.  And now, again, I've been feeling desperate and frantic and been trying to rope people in here.  Yikes!  

Life and Death.
The End of The World As We Know It.
It all comes down to me.

Oh, man.  I'm living in some awful, self-induced  B-movie about the end of the world and how it's all come down to me.
And yeah, I can see why and how.
But in the end, is being the Zombie Apocalypse hero satisfying?
happy?
peaceful?

Or merely fraught and dramatic and Overly Filled With Capital Letters?
Yeah, I think dysfunction used to be more fascinating.
Or maybe I was just fascinated and it was always this boring and laughable.
Seriously, people.

Toss the script and turn off the cameras.
Unplug the lights.
Strike the set.
It's a wrap.

No more drama.  
It's just not that interesting.
And I'm not interested in it anymore.

I'm just Amy.
No zombies.  No apocalypse. 
No more even flirting with the idea that
People Need Me to Open My Home Despite All Previous Attempts Ending In Failure  

There may come a time when my life and the lives of my children 
ride on my chickens
But today is not that day

My anxiety blew me out of my ruts 
and landed me here
Well, to be fair
maybe my anxiety didn't really do much of anything positive
Maybe I did

Maybe my boredom and frustration
and curiosity and good sense
lead me here
Maybe that's plausible
Maybe my anxiety is like the twig the elephant is tied to
I could walk away but I never even try

Has my fear been that good a friend to me?
Did my fear save my life?
Maybe adrenaline rush helped some in the clinch.
And maybe I've just gotten used to it.
Maybe it's become just like gravity
so much a part of every moment,
I don't even question it

Maybe I could live with disappointment
a lot better can I can live with anxiety

Maybe there never was anything I could do but fret
so I did the only thing I could do
I felt responsible for other people's survival and 
worried that I wasn't up to it and 
trapped between my love and
my happiness and
my survival

Shit

That's a really, really bad place
Hell 

I couldn't stop loving
I couldn't protect myself
I couldn't save anyone else
I couldn't get away

I could pump adrenaline and 
watch powerlessly and
worry until I couldn't see or breathe or think 
Disappointed
Crushed
Broken hearted
Alone
Scared literally to death

Frenzied fear
Response-unable

Locked in an endless whirl of
illusions of chocolate responsibility 
whipped into my anxiety

Because surely if I couldn't respond
I could at least pretend to the power of responsibility
with my tall glass of anxiety

Surely I couldn't be that powerless
Surely I couldn't be that vulnerable
I couldn't really be at the mercy of cruel caregivers
Could I?
If we just turned up the juice a little higher
revved the engine
threw it into super low
got a running start
surely, then I could stop the howling pain
Yes, yes, that's it
I just haven't tried hard enough
If we climb up out of the trench and
get mown down one more time then
then we'll be victorious.

Lying here
Dying here
Surely
that cannot be
our only option

Oh, Sweet One
how you have broken yourself 
upon this
for all time

The answer to overwhelming
killing
brutalizing
evil
is not

There is not an answer 
you can give

God himself died
on that 

No one holds you to success
against it
except you
yourself

God died
broken on evil
asking why he was forsaken

You exerting more power 
is not the answer here
You pushing your boundaries ever wider 
is not
You pumping more adrenaline to let you ram through
is not
There is no ramming through 
the death evil pushes down

There is only dying

Too quickly you race to amend that
to add another clause

Type it until you can stand it

There is no escaping
There is only dying
There is no over-powering
There is only dying
There is no freaking out until
you blast out of evil
There is only dying

There is only dying
There is only dying
There is only dying
There is only dying

and resurrecting

The only way out of evil is through death
Even for God
Even for God

Even for God, the only way out of evil
is through death

This is not your failure alone
This is not your particular responsibility
You will break and 
break and
break yourself on this
until all you see is the endless
sacrifice the endless
self-flagellation the endless
rigid misery the endless


Devotion to fear won't answer it
Power in expanding culpability won't
Standing next to your stake won't
Wishing with all your heart for
things you can never have won't
Persistant unhappiness won't


Say yes to Jesus and
live an abundant life of joy
Live happily in your own life
Don't strain so hard
Really
Don't try so agonizingly

Be happy
Live your life deeply
It's enough

You were sung into existence
and you will not stop being sung
Your song will not be forgotten

Relax
Don't live so hard
Misery is not a virtue

I know, I know
that's the prevailing wind blowing
but I never wanted you miserable

I re-lifed through misery
not into it

I'm lost, God
I don't know how to find myself and 
my true boundaries and
limits
I can't think them or
reliably feel them
I'm adrift here

I can't see the stars and 
I don't know my way home

I will sit out in the night and
look for the stars and
a way home

Amen